I Regret Having My Toddler (when we did)

My partner and I want to be in our thirties. I’m not really sure a better way of putting it, but the average life of a thirty-something is where we want to be. We both want to already be at the point where we’re financially stable, looking into our own house, have a decent support network, and are ready to have a family. Only downside: We’re not at that point. There is no way for us to be at that point. It’s possible that if we’d gotten the dream jobs out of college we had expected we’d be at that point, but we did not. Too few college students do, although we knew a few of them.

If I’d known how things were going to turnout, we wouldn’t have had our baby. It was a bit of contention between my partner and I- my partner hated me saying it, I couldn’t help feeling it. From my partner’s perspective, if we hadn’t had the baby when we did, we wouldn’t have had Bo. We would have had some other baby. Yes, we would have loved that baby- but Bo still wouldn’t have been in our lives.

I love my baby to death, but he deserved so much better. There were days that I was terrified his special needs were entirely because our life is so difficult. And, to a degree, I was right. He desperately needs a rigid schedule- something we couldn’t give him in college and something we couldn’t give him from a retail job. This meant he never got enough sleep and just didn’t do well overall. I still haven’t gotten a regular 9-5 job, my new job is contract work and the schedule is all over the place- it’ll be so much better for me and financially, but I worry about what it’ll do to him.

I have no idea what I believe, my faith has been shaken up and dragged through the mud and I’m now a bit afraid to believe in anything. If you are a believer, I can see people saying that things happen for a reason, that this was the way our lives were meant to play out. If you aren’t- then we were two idealistic college students who rushed into something we weren’t properly prepared for and have to pick up the pieces now. It doesn’t really matter which view was right- either way, we’ve gone through an incredibly difficult time and still aren’t quite out of the woods yet.

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