Dysphoria

My dysphoria has been all over the place since I got pregnant. It’s going to, though. Since the baby actually came, it’s got outright conflicting, though.

On the one hand, I’m proud of the fact that I brought this little life in the world. I gave birth to this kiddo and I don’t want to hide it. Of course, giving birth is about the most female thing a person can do to 99% of the populace. Even trans people have a hard time grocking an afab trans person giving birth.  So, because people assume “person who gave birth and continues to raise the child” means “mother”, I’m trying to handle people seeing me as female.

I actually do like feminine things- I also like masculine things, I’m more androgynous than anything- but I feel like I’m not allowed to because liking them is justifying people who misgender me. This is bull, people misgender me no matter how I dress or act, but it’s still ingrained into me that it’s my fault if people misgender me so I need to do what I can to prevent it.

On the other hand, I’m more this kid’s dad than I am a mom. We’re raising the kid to call us both fathers. So now I have the urge to start on hormones so that I look more like the idea most people have of “dad”. I haven’t started on hormones because there’s a lot of health concerns I have about it, and also, with my size and form, I don’t think it’ll really help me pass that well. I know one trans guy who was on hormones for years before I met him, got top & bottom surgery, is legally male, and still doesn’t pass well- he’s miserable. I don’t want that to happen to me. Nevermind the cost, etc…

So I’m basically doing this tug of war before feeling like I should be more masculine and feeling like I should accept my feminine side.

I’m not really sure what I’m going to end up doing.

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2 Responses to Dysphoria

  1. This…is a tough issue and I am genuinely sorry that you are going through it. Not that you had a baby, creating people is kind of awesome – it’s like a super power or something, but the dysphoria can only be awful and it shouldn’t have to be that way. I really hope that you pull through and I’m sending all of the AFAB solidarity I can muster your way. Just whatever you do, don’t get too down and remember that society’s biases, their binary and their gender essentialism are not, never have been and never will be your fault. Don’t give in.

    • MySapling says:

      Thank you so much for your comment! I try not to let societal stuff get to me, but it’s really hard- especially when you’ve got a kid in the mix. I’m worried that if my baby starts calling me ‘dad’, it’ll cause problems at school and with their friends’ parents. And it’s easy enough to say “people who care don’t matter”- but when it risks hurting my kid, then it really does matter. It matters a lot. I hope I’m just being paranoid… 😦

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